JB Rants: 13 Steps to Man Cave Heaven
I must admit that I’m a very simple guy. I do have a few things that bring me pleasure: bikes, cars, computers, heated toilets seats, and embarrassingly, puppy calendars. In general, I feel like there is nothing I need in order to make me happy. I, like many other men, really just want one thing: to have a private place to go and just…be a man.
For fantasy purposes—and to keep my marriage intact—let’s pretend I’m a single man. In the event that I were a single man and money were no object, I would want the Ultimate Man Cave (U.M.C.). Every guy deserves a U.M.C., which is something I have thought a great deal about since my friend Nelson turned a bomb-shelter under his house into an extravagant gunroom.
Sure, I could name off the obvious things to put in the U.M.C. like a full bar, stripper pole, and a shark tank. However, I don’t want anything in my U.M.C. that would remind me of Qua downtown or Kanye’s limo. Too predictable.
Indulge me for a few minutes as I build out my U.M.C., the place where I’d find solace in this post-Kardashian world:
- 1. An area designated to blowing-up stuff. The area would be viewable from behind spectator glass and have the classic Roadrunner Acme Explosive detonation box.
- 2. Guest Jet-Packs. In the event that my guests needed to jettison to another destination, I would be ready.
- 3. Retractable Periscope. It would be nice to occasionally break from what I’m doing and search for undiscovered land.
- 4. Bartender. I know that I began with this being a place to be alone, but I will need some personnel. Not only would this fellow serve drinks, he would ideally be Hervé Vallechaize, otherwise known as “Tattoo” from Fantasy Island.
- 5. A Bitchin’ Camaro. Parked with only enough room to smoke the tires.
- 6. Sound-Effects Artist. It would be nice if he or she followed me everywhere. I love vintage martial arts movies, so with each and every move I make, I would like my SFX artist to exaggerate with “whisssh” and “thwak.” Even if I just turn my head, the movement ought to be brought to life.
- 7. A flight-simulator, a drum set, and an escape-hatch.
- 8. Male-Stripper-Style-Tear-Away Clothing. Also, attached to thin cables. That way, when I went from one area of the cave to the next, the cable would reach full extension and rip them from my body.
- 9. Bank Teller Tubes. Communication to my underground lair would only be possible via these tubes. I could send the tube up requesting “Three ribs and a Mr. Pibb, please.”
- 10. Air Hockey Table. Preferably the size of a regulation hockey rink. When the hockey rink was not in use, the cast of Cirque de Soleil would entertain me by reproducing with the Blue Man Group.
- 11. Rock Climbing Wall. Instead of typical rocks, the holds would ever so slightly replicate female anatomy.
- 12. A Barbershop. Next to my full-time perfume model.
- 13. Former Child Stars (upon request). The only other guests allowed would be Willy Nelson, Jesse James, and James Gandolfini.
Men, do not think that any of this is ridiculous or unobtainable, because it is my understanding that game developer and millionaire Richard Garriott has each of these items.
Welcome, my friends, to my Ultimate Man Cave.
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